Put it out

Drip. Drop. Drip. Drop.

I could no longer tell whether the drops were from the rain or from my eyes. Everything seemed as hazy as my vision, relentless burning thoughts urging me to save myself from the terror just a few steps away.

All I wanted was to go home. I wanted to escape, I needed to be safe.

One step forward. One flame out.

I was shaking from the cold, from the fear.

They were so loud, screaming, howling like wolves to the dark sky above, addicted to an obsession that will end me. The rain did not cleanse, did not purify, did not calm as it does in movies and novels. It seemed to make them even louder, and fan the flame inside me.

They didn’t know I was there, but they were waiting for me, luring me to the Eden they thought they lived in, dragging me to the hell I was fighting to avoid.

The house was dark. Possibly as dark as what lay inside. The rain made my vision hazy, but the sight of the house was full of horror. The sight of a broken infrastructure, as if not a single soul has touched even the slightest on the house sent a shiver down my spine. The sight of unmaintained wood on wood, it seemed like termites had already devoured the structure of the house, and it was ready to tumble.

Maybe it could tumble on me, then I would not have to deal with it.

Two steps forward. Two flames out.

They howled once more, and a choir of cries stung my ears. I gulped, and I was ready to bolt in the other direction.

But they were screaming. They were yelling. The sound of their cries lured me in, dragging me forward as I continued to shuffle.

This is the last of me. The last this town will see of me.. This night is my last.  The last moments I will remember, the cries and the howls and the shrieks as the time nears midnight and the stars finish coming out. For the last time, my voice will become hoarse from screaming with them. The last time, and I will disappear. The last time, and I will be gone..

Tomorrow, I will be gone. Tonight, I will be free. I will be free. And a part of me will disappear.

Three steps forward.  Three flames out.

One night, one night. It will all be over tomorrow. The sun will come out, and we can begin a new journey. I will become a new canvas, one that is free.

It would be as if the fire never existed, and my mind was never burnt.

I realize, I didn’t need the rain to purify or cleanse me. I needed them.

So I walk to the door, and I breathe as I grab the doorknob.  I can still go home. I can still go home. I can run for it, I can escape from it now, if I wanted to. I let go of my grip on the doorknob as I shiver from fear. I can go home. I can go home.

Peeking from the window, I see confetti and balloons covering half of the living room. A long table was placed to the right of the room, allowing various snacks, meals and beverages to be put on full display. There are candles, and colorful banners decorated the walls. A few of them see me, and they hurriedly motion for me to come in, smiles plastered on each of their bright faces.

Drenched from head to toe, I open the door, shaking from the cold.

One flame still burning.

They become quiet, their eyes dart to mine as the music stops playing in the background.

“HAPPY GRADUATION!” They yell in unison.

“It’s so depressing you have to leave for university tomorrow, we could’ve had more time to celebrate,” He says to me, embracing me into a warm hug. “Come in! Come in!”

With the pouring rain, the fire ceases. And I step inside.

Katja Tjahaja